Anonymous - 11th Hour
I grew up in an emotionally abusive and dysfunctional family. My father was very controlling, possessive, and angry all the time. He never wanted any daughters and made it a point to always blame my mother for bearing no sons. At a very young age, I felt unwanted. His controlling behavior was so intense that if she ever left his sight, he would become violently and verbally abusive. Although my mother was in pain, she cared first and foremost for the needs of her 3 daughters and knew she couldnt leave. This fearful home became my norm as I grew up thinking that abuse and mistreatment from a man to a woman was normal. Very, very normal. I did not know who God was, and my surroundings of constant, never-ending screaming and fighting at home was my reality.
To be honest, I dont remember much of my childhood and I can only guess that I was so traumatized that I forced it out of my mind at an early age. I built huge walls to keep the fears and pain out. I never wanted to feel. Ive come to master a way of regulating my feelings to what I want it to be, and that would usually be nothingness. Ive learned to suppress it completely, to the point that I start to believe things in my life, usually bad things, never really happened. But by never talking about things and not allowing myself to feel, I was kept in the bondage of denial. I denied that anything would bother me, but I soon realized that this didnt work because why then, did I find myself having ridiculously unrealistic expectations from people and relationships? And then sometimes I would revert back to having absolutely NO expectations at all either. Obviously the denial thing could only work for so long.
When I was in high school, I was a shapeless form easily influenced by those around me who would affirm me. I eventually started hanging out with men who were half way through college. With a fake ID, they took me out and I got myself involved with smoking, drinking, and clubbing every weekend at the age of 16. By the time I was 19 and in college, I started to experiment with drugs and my alcohol and nicotine consumption increased rapidly. It was a way for me to feel better, relieve any pain I felt, and just make me feel secure. I got into my first serious relationship at that point and Ive completely suppressed it so I dont remember it at all except I know it was unhealthy and unstable. Eventually I got into another relationship defined by drinking, sex, and partying. My reality soon became defined by paranoia, fear, and insecurity. I had no idea who I was, what I wanted or what I was worth. Four years later, I got out of that relationship only to find myself in another unhealthy one. This was the time when I started to get involved with secretive relationships, and I cannot recall much about those either. I know I let my body be used as I used them too, and it was never a big deal to me. I knew nothing about the worth or value of my physical body. I continued to live this way and I thought I was living the full, perfect and fun life.
Finally, after a few years of living in LA like this, things started to spiral down. I became attached to the idea that these men defined my worth, to the point that I could not even function straight. Strange and paranoid thoughts would enter my mind and I was unable to focus. Ironically enough at this time, things with my family up north were shaky and I felt a strong calling to move home. Somehow, things worked out in my casual job search and by June of 2003, I was leaving LA for SF. Little did I know, I was about to start a brand new life. I thought I had it all in LA though. I was leaving a higher-paying job, lots of people to party with, and a life defined by alcohol, sex, and parties. In retrospect, God really saved me and plucked me out of a dead-end destructive cycle.
During those years in LA, I had already heard of who God was and even occasionally read the bible. But God was very far away in my mind. He wasnt with me all the time. He would get angry at me and punish me. I went to church occasionally on my own but continued to live my same life. He wasnt very real in my life. He was a distant God.
When I moved back to the bay area though, my girlfriend took me to GrX church in Sunnyvale and I really dont know what to say other than it was a supernatural experience I felt, that made me want to keep going. Id also say it was a supernatural tugging in my heart that got me attending a small group. Normally, I would never do such a thing it was just the strangest concept to me. Little did I know how much I would grow by being in a true, authentic community. A few months later I attended a womens discipleship and got baptized during this time. I learned a lot about God and community but things still didnt REALLY change though. I found myself getting involved in yet another secretive relationship and I was in complete shock at myself. I knew I had to get out and quick. I was living a double life because I would go to my discipleship group, then leave to something no one there even knew about.
It was at this point that by the grace of God, I finally realized that my life was out of control. God showed me that I couldnt live my life separate from him like I was trying to do. I really thought accepting Christ in my life would make me exempt from doing anything in my past ever again. Now I know, this just isnt the case.
I remember this verse really helped me. I couldnt believe He had truly forgiven me. But in Isaiah 1:18, the Lord says: "Come now, let us argue this out, No matter how deep the stain of your sins, I can remove it. I can make you as clean as freshly fallen snow. Even if you are stained as red as crimson, I can make you as white as wool. 19If you will only obey me and let me help you, then you will have plenty to eat.
I started to become closer with a girl in my womens discipleship group. I remember sitting there telling her about the struggles I had with my family and the pain I felt and I saw tears coming out of her eyes as she prayed for my parents and said she wanted to pray for them as if they were her own. I was in complete shock. Here was this sister I didnt know all that well, but who was crying as I was sharing my story. It was then that I realized something about God I never grasped before. Through this sister, I realized he was not only real, but He was a gracious and merciful Father who loved me beyond what I could ever fathom. My life took a huge turn at this point because Gods MERCY and compassion became alive to me. These were no longer words just to describe God; it was a powerful mercy and compassion that was extended onto me. It was a process but things began to change in me when we started to meet regularly to share our deepest secrets, struggles and sins. I was so scared to talk to her about certain struggles, but to my surprise she listened and began to share her own struggles with me. I was shocked because I really thought all Christians were good and didnt struggle with these things. I began to experience true freedom through Gods hand of mercy.
Not long after, in the summer of 2004 we discovered that we both had a heart for healing and counseling ministries, and we were recommended to check out a Celebrate Recovery Conference @ Saddleback Church. With 2 others, we went to this conference not knowing what to expect. I was surrounded by 3000 people who were honest about their everyday struggles, from food addictions, to lust, codependency, anger, and other every day issues no one ever talks about openly. These were also everyday people who admitted they needed help from God to live for Him, and believed in His power to transform every area of their lives completely. God was starting to really help me see what kind of God He really is. That He wasnt a God that expected me to just quit everything bad I was doing and fix myself overnight. He is a God who wants me to know my true worth. He is a God who will give me the strength and courage to go through each day. He is a God who will redeem my brokenness and heal me from the inside out. He is a God who loves and cares so much about every single thing that consumes my mind and heart. He wanted to intervene in absolutely every area of my life, including the darkest most seemingly shameful places. And I wanted to experience this kind of hope, true worship and gratitude.
Through Gods powerful grace and His amazing truth, we ended up bringing this powerful experience of a safe and honest community back to GrX, which birthed the 11th Hour group. It has provided a place for me to be free in being completely transparent and to grow in Christ with others just like me. I am supported and encouraged to live a life for and like Christ. It has helped me to work on who I am, my character, and things that have kept me separated from the life He intended for me to live. Most of all, it is continuously helping me to surrender every area of my life to God and live purposefully for His glory alone.
Through 11th Hour, God has given me the strength to face the distorted view I had of myself and who God is. He is also gently helping me to unlearn the lies of my past and re-learn the truth of how God views me, which out-rules what anyone else says about me or has ever said. Praise God, I now know my worth in Christ and His truth rings so much louder in my ears than the lies of my past. I know I am loved, and dearly cherished by God. He calls me worthy to be His beloved daughter. But I must remind myself of that every single day. And sometimes, I need my community to remind me how He views me. To remind me that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Its a process, but an exciting and victorious one to say the least. I take it one day at a time.
Its been two years since God has taken me off my path of destruction and placed me on this journey of healing. As for low self-worth, it has drastically transformed when I started to commit and serve at GrX. The insecure thoughts that enter my mind and the unhealthy dependencies I have with people have turned a 180 with the support of my community and His truth. Today, I have healthy relationships with brothers and sisters and I know my worth in Christ. Im not saying Im perfect. I need God daily to help me because I still struggle every day. But this journey in a true community has moved me towards healing - towards a better today and tomorrow and an immense peace with my past.
As for my family, I am on a journey of learning how my parents themselves were raised and how they themselves went through a difficult upbringing which shaped who they are today. God has me on a powerful journey of learning true forgiveness and loving them the way HE desires me to. He loves them so much. He wants to bring healing into my entire family.
I love this verse, Romans 8:28, which says, And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. With 11th Hour, God has taken my greatest hurts and used them for good. I know God is using my weaknesses for His glory to be revealed and to encourage those around me. To let people know, they are not alone in their struggles and there is HOPE. There is a way out and it is never too late. The shattered pieces can and WILL be taken one by one to make a complete and whole picture once again. God has a purpose for each one of us. Most importantly, Jesus is a God who loves and forgives, who redeems and restores, who heals and reconciles all things to Himself. There is no other savior other than Jesus Christ.
Thanks for letting me share.