John - Easter, 11th Hour
A major part of my faith comes from my parents, especially my mother. Throughout my life, she has always reminded me of the huge role God has played in my life. I am really lucky to even be here today, or I should say blessed. Since my faith has been shaped so much by my family, I have to share a little bit about my family history. My parents have always had a very rocky relationship from the time they first met. My mother mainly came from a Buddhist background, except for her sister who was a Christian. My father on the other hand, considered himself Catholic, but lived a lifestyle that was far from religious. My father was known as the smart talented one in the family whom everyone loved and respected. My father was also however, a hard drinker and a horrible husband, who refused to stay faithful to my mother.
My mother hated my father so much that when she was pregnant with me, she planned on having an abortion. Against my father’s wishes, my mother approached 2 different doctors to perform the abortion. Ironically, these events would be one of my mother’s first encounters with Christianity. The first doctor my mother approached for the procedure happened to be a Christian, and therefore refused to perform the abortion. The second doctor also refused because he was Catholic. After having enough she could take with my father, she was determined to end the pregnancy and finally found a doctor who agreed to perform the abortion. As my mother lay on the operating table, just seconds before the doctors were about to start, God performed a miracle! I began to kick! When the doctors approached her, she went hysterical, threatening everyone in the room to stay away from her baby. Thanks to God’s grace, she decided to have me after all. Hearing that story from my mother has made me feel that God has always had a special plan for my life and knowing that is what’s kept me from giving up in my darkest times.
Since neither of my parents were willing to give me up no matter how much they hated each other, they chose to stay together. Even after coming to the U.S. my father continued to see other women, staying out late, drinking, sometimes not coming home for days. My dad even had the nerve to take me out on outings and dates with his girlfriends. There was constant fighting in the house. One of my earliest childhood memories were of my mother throwing a telephone at my father. When I was 5 years old, our lives changed forever. While drinking and driving, on his way home from my uncles home, my dad got in a terrible car accident, turning into a one way tunnel. The accident left my father permanently paralyzed from the waste down, confined to a wheel chair, forcing him to also endure unimaginable pain for the rest of his life. Although this was a terrible tragedy, God would bring about blessing. Through hardship, both my parents would eventually come to know the Lord.
While my dad knew the Lord, he often struggled to fully understand God’s grace. Although he knew that God had forgiven him, he always felt that he was being punished, and had a hard time forgiving himself for how he treated my mother. My father was plagued with physical pain, depression, and overwhelming guilt. By the time I was 11, the suffering got so bad, that a morphine pump had to be installed into my father’s stomach. He took additional pain killers on top of that, but it barely eased his anguish. So my dad coped by drinking heavily, and was basically an alcoholic for many years.
Junior high was a turning point in my life. After promising myself I would never drink, I started experimenting with drugs and alcohol for the first time. This developed into other behavior problems like cutting class, staying out late at night, and getting into all kinds of trouble. During this time, my mother continued to take me to church. When I got into high school, I heard and understood the gospel for the first time in a personal way, realizing the simple life changing truth, that Jesus paid the price for me. No one needed to convince me. That message spoke to me, and deep inside I knew this to be the truth. Accepting Christ into my life was the best thing that ever happened to me. I never felt so happy and free in my life as I did then. I had purpose, hope, and I knew I would be in heaven. What more could I ask for I thought to myself. I even thought, maybe one day I’ll be a pastor or a missionary.
In college my faith was tested as I faced serious challenges and dark sin issues I needed to resolve. In my 2nd year of school, I experienced serious depression. I became extremely anxious, feeling nervous all the time, and became obsessed with the idea of death. I dropped out of school 3 times. At the same time, I was struggling with lust. This was probably one of the most difficult sins I’ve had to deal with. A big part of why it was so powerful was because it was so secretive. I didn’t know who to talk to about it. And when I did share it with some church leaders, it was not properly addressed. I totally felt alone, like I was the only one in the church like this. That shame added more fuel to my depression and anxiety. To make things worse, my father tried to commit suicide by stabbing himself. I couldn’t help but think that maybe God was punishing me.
It wasn’t long until I turned to alcohol and drugs as a way to cope. I drank heavily at first alone at home in secret, and eventually regularly with friends at bars or clubs. I used alcohol and marijuana to relax and escape, eventually getting into ecstasy and some really dangerous drugs like GHB, Or liquid ex. It was obvious to me was how miserable I felt inside and how extremely uncomfortable I was with myself. I did whatever I could to get my mind off of things.
I eventually stopped drinking and cut out the drugs, but I continued to struggle with lust. I always had a problem with lust since I was a kid but never successfully dealt with this issue after becoming a Christian. Like a lot of guys, I got into porn, and eventually found myself getting involved in a few very unhealthy immoral relationships, usually meeting people online, in the clubs, or in bars. It was all about the thrill and experience, but also about just trying to fill the loneliness in my life. I would feel guilty at times, pray to God and make commitments only to fall backwards.
Sometimes it was hard to even look at myself in the mirror. I really hated myself, everything about me. I felt like a loser and a freak, as I thought of how screwed up I was. Many times I would think to myself that it would be best if I could just die. Honestly, I thought of suicide many times. Even toying with the idea but too afraid of what might come after I die. Every now and then, the only way I think I survived, even now, was listening to what God was trying to say to me. Verses would pop up in my head like "He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it. Blessed is the man who endures temptation, for when he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life, which the Lord promised to those who love him. I will never leave you nor forsake you." I felt like he was telling me, "Just hang in there, just a little longer, and trust me." I have not forsaken you. Even now, my blood covers and forgives you. I used to think that Jesus died only for my sins before I became a Christian. He really died for those sins I would commit after. It really hit me that he died knowing that I would betray him afterwards.
About 3 years ago, I ended up going to GRX in Sunnyvale after bouncing around from different churches. I enjoyed the church but wasn’t sure how strong my commitment was, but I was determined to start changing and returning back to serving him. A big turning point was when I heard Susanna Hong’s testimony one Sunday. I was completely blown away by her honesty. The fact that she was a girl in a church able to share this honestly and share a struggle I thought I was alone in, encouraged me to stick with this church and check out the 11th hour recovery group.
When I went to the 11th Hour group for the first time, it was amazing. I had gone to other recovery groups but felt out of place many times. I was so relieved to hear that others had the exact struggles as me and they were Christians. I didn’t feel so alone anymore and was so glad that there was a chance that I could completely be honest. One of the most painful parts of my addictions and struggles was feeling like a freak, like I was the only one, and that I could not be completely honest and reveal these things. I was choking inside and felt like I wish I could tells someone what was going on with me. The 11th hour group made me feel like I could possibly be a whole person again. Several months later when I heard Christine Chiu’s testimony, I was blown away again by another sister, talking about similar struggles as myself. That’s what lead me to continue to go to this church and 11th hour here.
Last year a week before my birthday my father passed away to be with the Lord. I visited him a few days before he died. My mother held his hand, prayed for him, and made sure to let my father know she forgave him. As my father lay there with his eyes open, unable to move, his eyes began to water as if to say how sorry he was for hurting her. We were all totally at peace. At my father’s request, we cremated him and let his ashes fly freely into the ocean on my birthday. The timing of my dad’s death made me feel that God was in total control and this was all part of his perfect plan.
Getting over that past year was extremely difficult I felt more and more depressed as I compared myself to friends who had their lives together, already married with great careers, and here I was, barely able to keep a job, and manage my life. During these difficult times, I grew the closest to God and came to appreciate him the most. I felt challenged to accept the possibility that nothing may go right for me in this life, at least the way that I’d like. Could I really be content in this world with God alone and nothing else? Could I possibly be like Job and have his attitude? Naked I came into this world, Naked I will leave. Blessed be the name of the lord. I felt like God was asking me, "Will you trust me, even when things do not work out, even when it appears like God is not there or doesn’t care. Can I still trust him?"
Lately God has really been blessing me by providing all my needs through a new job, a place to live, and a great church I can call home. Today I struggle with my sin issues with a healthier understanding of God’s grace, knowing that I am being renewed daily. Any change in me is a miracle from God. Today, when I look in the mirror, I feel accepted. I feel like I’m okay even with my flaws and issues. I’m learning to see me how God sees me, God’s acceptance of me, that I don’t have to earn his grace. It blows my mind to think that God would go through so much trouble for me to come into this world, knowing that I would fail him so badly and betray him. What’s more amazing is to think that he died for all of us, knowing how much he would fail. His grace really is amazing.